In Pursuit of Daylight

The Pursuit of Daylight

At times I completely forget the little mass growing in the cavities of my brain, for some instances it can seem as if life is carrying on as per normal. As I draw nearer to my final destination those moments occur less and less frequently and it is a constant reminder of the task that lies at hand. I am yet again in an aero plane, this time en route to San Francisco, America. I am making this journey in conjunction with the one I made to london as that little mass, embedded deep within my brain matter is urging me to, it is propelling me to test the physical and psychological limits of my body. I say bring it on, I am tougher than a little piece of foreign matter.

It is posing me with the question for which there can only be two outcomes. Dr Stephan Joubert, my neurosurgeon, when posed the same question by me replied "you take it out, or you die". Sobering words, and I appreciated every syllable of them. They were the words I needed to hear to allow the gravity of the situation and of my fight to land. This mass growing in my head has driven me around the world in search of a cure, and when I find that cure I will be a stronger person. I will be a better person, more appreciative, more accepting. It is only when you are faced with the end of something, that you try to clutch on to the pieces that made the journey.

At the moment our Boeing 747-400 is hurtling through the atmosphere at 987kms, and we are at 34 000 feet above sea level, the cabin has been dimmed, and people are settling down for a nap. My dad is sleeping, disjointed as it may appear at the moment, and my mom should be landing soon as she was on an earlier flight. She, just as we are, should be fighting against the hours gained. I cannot imagine what I have put them, my loved ones and friends through. For this I will always be in your debt. No one should ever have to endure the hardships of this kind of battle. In this occasion, it is easier being the person with the tumor.

I find myself increasingly scared of the time, and it's infinite history and indefinite future. I am not scared of death, we have no influence on when it occurs, and won't know when it happens anyway. What does scare me is what I will leave behind, my family and friends, and the situation I will leave them in. I am not talking about now, but years down the line once I have lived my life, it is just a reality none of us ever really want to face. At the moment it feels like I am in a wrestling match with an opponent wearing a mask, I can't see his face or predict his movements. I have always had a phobia for the unknown, hence my insatiable need for knowledge and the need to consume facts and figures, I want to be able to rattle off anything lest I should forget it. At the moment I am in a vacuum of the unknown, but not for long, I will soon know my exact route and I always feel it is better to know your enemy regardless of their ferocity.

I am sitting, staring at the aircrafts moving map, and I am watching our plane move against the flow of time, and in fact moving back. When I land in San Francisco we would have gained 8 extra hours that belong to the 20th January 2012, so my day would be a 32 hour one. That makes me content, because it's not very often that you gain 8 hours when you are 72 hours away from brain surgery, I am fighting with all my might for every second. Dr Stuart Kidgell told me about a book called "Chasing Daylight", and he read it prior to finding out about his brain cancer, and I am reading it during my bout, I hope we are not starting a trend nor creating a requirement. It is about the president of KPMG's battle with the megaball of brain cancers, the one that nobody wants; or that is at least how Stuart put it. The book follows the final three months of his life, and documents how extraordinarily a person can live in that short space of time. I want to live those three months, on repeat for the next 77 years of my life (I plan to die at 101).

The name also struck a chord with me, Chasing Daylight, because that is essentially what myself and every loved one I have is doing at the moment. We are clawing to the minutes and seconds we have at our disposal and we are holding onto them, trying to recycle them in exchange for more time. No one can really live on borrowed time. We should all strive to make those moments happen everyday. I wish I could express the calm I have been experiencing over the past few weeks, I am learning acceptance and patience, everything seems a little sweeter,every hug a little tighter, and every goodbye that much harder. Through all the toils and tears, realizing the beauty of each moment puts a smirk on my face because I wish everybody felt it without having to go through what I am.

Time is trying to catch up with me, and it is a mistress I will not answer to yet. Life is for the living, so let it be lived everyone.