Calm Under Fire

I have written about variables, the inevitable human nature of chasing time, the determination of the mind to be able to fight, and the important thresholds we all encounter in life. I know write to you from the other side of the threshold, I am now a patient of the Stanford Advanced Cancer Research Institute. My step into the unknown has so far been interesting, I now have new found respect and meaning for "interesting" but I will delve into that later. 

I have never been a sporting prodigy, but for those of us that have played some form of sport you would know about being under fire or pressure and it takes a special resolve to be able to absorb, adapt and react to being under pressure. We may encounter pressures from work, family or everyday stresses.  I feel I have a strong resolve to maintain my composure, the ability to keep calm when our worlds seem to be falling down around us. In a typical high pressure situation our bodies stiffen and our reactions to whatever environmental stimulus are swift and with meaning. When I was told about the tumor in my brain, I adapted, I shifted my mindset from whatever menial obstacle lay in my path and immediately focused on the massive task that lay ahead of me. 

This calm has allowed me to absorb the information, process the variables, assess my situation and move on. In life, when we have these unique situations we can either stick around and fight, or run. As in any bad movie, if you run, they will find you, the hero never runs or in this case the guy who gets to be alive at the end. We all have to face our fight, that unique time in life that determines your existence and your survival. I have accepted my situation and it has given me a calm. This calm was then obliterated this morning when I met my neurosurgeon.

My neurosurgeon, Dr/Professor Griffith Harsh is a rockstar of the neurosurgeon world. He only focus on neuro-oncology and is Stanfords lead-director in any programs that incorporate neuro-oncology. This is the man that will be delving into the depths of my brain and will be extracting this tumor, whether it be by radiation of surgery. I met with him for the first time this morning, and he was is a completely unassuming man, neatly dressed in a suit and tie with an incredible bedside manner. We shook hands and I instantly felt at ease, this is the man to make me better. We got talking, and after a short while he extracted my MRI scans from last month, and he pointed out the mass in my brain that sits just in front of the pineal region of my brain. He then proceeded to identify a cyst that has formed in my 1^st ventricle as well as some other, as yet, unidentified mass. It is for this reason that they will now be entering the centre of my brain through the parietal lobe of my brain. In lay mans term this is the top part of my brain, and as my cyst, unidentified mass and tumor are on the right hand side, it seems logical that they enter through the right.

The wave of fear and panic hit me again as he informed me that I now have the tumor, the cyst and the mass, and as quickly as the fear arose, so it began to subside. I remembered why I am here. I am in the hub of neuro-oncology, whatever they find they have found before, and they will eliminate. Once Dr. Harsh had rattled my world, we had pre-op forms to fill out, that requires about 8 vials of blood, a whole battery of physical tests and more questions. This whole process is aided by the friendliness of the hospital staff and their determination to uphold the name of Stanford. Once pre-op was over, we headed back to the hotel for some down time and a skype session with loved ones.

MRI time, and for those of you who are familiar with this blog will know my feelings towards this screeching black tunnel. It feels as if the sounds emitted from this machine warm the very core of your body as it systematically images and plots the body. The radiologists know exactly what they are focusing in on, this time they are doing focused images of the route, nevertheless they need to inject the dye into my bloodstream to allow the MRI to pick up the fine details of my brain.
Of course fear creeps into my mind, I would not be human if it didn’t. The fear of something going wrong, the doctors finding something other than what they intended, or that something else far more sinister and impacting will occur. But as quickly as that fear creeps into my thought, so it must be eradicated. For that fear harbors negativity, and provides absolutely nothing beneficial. I can comfort in knowing that Dr. Harsh has done this operation hundreds if not thousands of times in the past. The brain is his work and surgery is his expression session. I have come half way round the world to see this man about my brain, and so far he has not failed to impress.

There are a lot of things you can be and do on the night before your surgery. I have chosen to spend it with my parents. We have just finished up having dinner at the hotel, and although they have seen their differences in the past, it is good to see that they have found common ground in wanting to get me healed. Over the course of dinner, and the day in fact, I continually forgot that I had these little plastic markers called fiducials, the little plastic markers that will be used during the course of my operation tomorrow to plot the major landmarks on my face (as if my pronounced jawbone and button nose weren’t enough :) ). 

At the moment I am experiencing a calm, because I know am at the junction between control and letting go. I have done my very best to everything necessary to ensure that I come out of this on top, and the remainder of the job is up to the men and women who will be conducting my operation. I have calm because there is no point in fretting about the what if’s and I never hope to have to wonder about what if’s again. They are the small things that keep you down, as opposed to lifting yourself up and going for the things that really matter in life. I write to you now at the close of this very important chapter, the chapter that needed to happen so I could begin my pah to recovery.


My dad will take over the writing for the next few posts, so take it easy on the big guy... he is still learning.


Find below pics of my fiducial markers on my face and head, as well as the one everyone has waited for. The pic of the MRI of my brain and the tumor. R50 to see who can find it first. 

 So these are the fiducial markers and the marker in the top part of my head is where they will be going on. It may be hard for people to process, but I just really want them to go in there as soon as possible.

And here it is, here is my beautiful, twisted brain. This pic was taken before my VP shunt, so this is when the swelling was at an all time high and there was 4 X the normal pressure in my 1 and 2 ventricles. The ventricles are the black spaces you see in the very middle of my head. The cyst is the grey matter at the back of my ventricle. The tumor, little bastard, is.... that grey/white ball formed in under my ventricles. It looks like a shrivelled up walnut, and it is about 2cms, which makes it an average size tumor, as tumors go. If you cant see it, look at the black space in the middle of my head, then look directly under that. There will be some debate amongst you latent neurosurgeons, but fear not, that is where it is. 


I hope this helped somewhat, and next time I post on here I will have a much better indication of my road to recovery. So fear not family, loved ones and friends, this boy is not rolling over, I am more determined than ever that I will beat this thing. I love you all, until we meet again my friends, love Brad.