Time and the Tunnel

How often do we find ourselves going down a road that only weeks, months or years before we could never have imagined going down? Time is a great thickener of things, but I find that only true for things to do with the heart, when it comes to your mind and physical body… time plays the biggest part, it is the difference between here today and gone tomorrow. It is for that reason that you could understand my apprehension towards time and peoples lackluster view on how truly important it is. After or during cancer you learn to count not only time but moments and memories, moments that you would otherwise forget. Sometimes the moments are fond memories, other times they are less favorable but still etched into your memory. You all probably know of what I speak.

I am 24 days away from yet another 6 month check up, and my mind is slowly starting to focus, the steely resolve is creeping back to protect my mind from external issues, my body is slowly starting to tense up and take notice of all the little pains and aches, blurred vision or lapse in memory. It makes my mind jump back to a harder time. I will once again be sliding into the MRI tunnel at The LOC, where yet again they will be analyzing, scrutinizing and breaking down every neural activity, every neuron response, and more importantly looking at the 30% leftover of a tumor I had de-bulked in January 2012, followed by a ventriculostomy in October 2012. Those are in the past, and they made me stronger in all facets of my life. They made me repeatedly realize that every time I go into that tunnel, I need to subconsciously piece together my life, take stock of the important people in it, and what I want to achieve with my life irrespective if I’m around for a long or short time, because whatever they may or may not find in there will have an impact on the rest of my life, my family and my friend’s lives 

You are faced with two scenarios that you have to fully recognize before you inject yourself with contrast (dye), give the all clear and slide into that dark chamber. Once in there, you truly understand what it means to fight in the dark, you have to fight off the pounding noise of the MRI but also all the voices in your mind, to not give an inch in mental determination. To visualize that whatever was in there, no longer exists. Scenario 1, they find that the tumor is inactive, the metastatic rate is low and that you are free to continue your life as is. That is the ideal outcome and one that I am hoping for. Scenario 2, even when I write about it, it sends chills down my spine because it is the one thing that keeps me up at night, scenario 2 is that it has grown, the tumor has secondary’s and that I now have a shelf life. Whilst that is the last thing I want, it is something I have to recognize.

We all repeatedly live life having the “what if” function enabled. When we go out, do something silly, and wake up thinking, “what if” but you also realize you cant take it back… now imagine you are diagnosed with cancer, given days, weeks, months or years to live… your “what if” changes drastically. You no longer think I shouldn’t do that, you think, “Will it be the last time I am allowed to do that?”. I can’t change people’s thinking pattern, or how they lead their lives, I can only try to make people realize that we are only forced to affect a change when something is threatening to destroy everything we know and love, take away everything we have ever known. 

In January 2012, my “what if” function was different to what it is today, but my outlook on life is the same. I realized I wanted to live life, not the same one I had been living. I wanted to challenge myself, throw myself into a space I had never been in before, I wanted to travel and experience first hand all the incredible things on offer around the world. I did travel but the need was still gnawing at me, my desire to see more overcame my thinking to stay in SA, and I wanted to threaten myself into action. The people that helped me through the last year and 4 months have been irreplaceable, I have formed new friendships, realized the importance of old relationships and friendships and family, and I will never forget what you have all done for me in helping me get through the hardest part in my life. As a token of my appreciation, I will offer you some sound advice, life is terribly uncertain, we can only be certain that things will change, there will be ups and downs, and sometimes things happen that will change your perspective of what is important. Do not live life thinking “what if”, because if you are, that moment will pass you by and you will lose the opportunity of an experience.

I am in the process of relocating to London, where life is completely different to the one I had in Cape Town and Durban. The friendship circle is a lot smaller, the weather is much much worse, but the experience was the decider for me. I never want to look back on my life and say I didn’t do something because I was too comfortable, because in my situation my life can change in an instant. It only takes these big moments, unfortunately, for people to realize the importance of challenging themselves and living life without regrets. Living life to the fullest doesn’t entail changing your life, it requires pulling your life together to enjoy the moments you have, with the people you have around you.

Enjoy your Easter, everybody.

                                               

The Road Less Travelled

Let me start off by saying, "Cancer is the best thing to ever happen to me".

Not something you hear everyday, but for me, its the truth. Cancer changed my life, it changed my families life, and in some little way it has changed the life of the people who followed this blog. I went on the most harrowing, crazy, scary adventure with my closest family and friends. I tested my ability, I stared down the barrel into death, I acknowledged it was there but did not heed its call. My family, girlfriend at the time, and friends endured the hardest few months of mine, and perhaps their lives. You learn what true human resolve is. You meet people you never thought you would meet, and lie in operating theatre's with machinery that will completely intimidate and confuse you. You get put to sleep with the sole intention of waking up after the surgeons work is done. You go to bed fighting, and you wake up fighting, pause and then catch your breath... and once the pain and aches of surgery have subsided, you get ready for the next bout, the next obstacle that will inevitably be placed in front of you.

You learn to accept things, you learn to listen, to appreciate, to comprehend what life really means. I am 25 years old, I do not confess to knowing everything, but I sure know alot more about life now than I knew 2 years ago. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought I would be here, 4 brain operations and 5 rather sizable scars later. Cancer is random, it has no means of traceability or predictability. The only thing you can do when faced with this, is to fight, and for some people the fight is too much, not for their lack of trying, purely because the cancer that they had was too much and too aggressive. There are cancers out there that, if you go through mortality rates and statistics, will literally numb your senses and affect you to your very core because you will realize that these cancers happen to normal people, me, a friend, anyone. Whether youre that person who lies in bed at night with the feeling that your body isnt quite acting or performing in the way it should, or being the care giver for someone who is battling this disease, or, more importantly, you are fighting this disease, you realize that at some stage you need to action a response.

People always throw me a questionably strange glance when I mention to them that cancer changed my life for the better, and you can only start to understand what I mean when I tell you how it did so. Before cancer I took things for granted, I was headed down a very different road to the one I am on now. I didnt appreciate things, I always looked for the next best thing... and sadly you only realise what you had, once you no longer possess it or it is being threatened from you. I did that a lot, but then I was diagnosed and like a wave of realization, I realized what I was here for. There are foundations out there that are striving to cure cancer. There is so much international interest in research into cancer, and after speaking to Dr Rick Guyer, Dr Stephan Joubert and a few other doctors, you come to realise that although the amount is substantial, it isnt big enough. The impetus isnt enough.

Dr Rick Guyer, Co-founder of the Texas Back Institute and Director of their Spine Fellowship Program, got in touch with me through my blog. Dr Guyer has been down a very similar road, albeit he was a spectator to it. His son Jeff Guyer, 30, battled a very rare cancer known as a sarcoma. Jeff had a year long battle with the sarcoma, and on the 6 June 2011, Jeff answered to another call, but not before leaving behind a legacy. He left behind something that will hopefully be here long after we are all gone, or perhaps through it will no longer need to exist. Jeff started a foundation whilst battling his cancer, that shows his outright determination and strength, that while all of us are fit and healthy, Jeff who was undergoing chemotherapy and radiation still had the time and commitment to start a foundation that in its first year raised $200,000 USD.

I do not wish cancer upon anyone, no one deserves the devastating effects it can have on you and those around you, but it does teach some lessons that I would otherwise not have learnt. Hopefully through funds and charities like Jeff's, where the funds go purely to cancer research, sarcoma's and cytoma's and the like will become diseases of the past. Current medical research is close to unlocking genome cures, and there are new and improved methods of chemotherapy, but those will only be unlocked through research. Jeff's fund and funds the world over give their contributions to a bigger research fund that is close to finding the cure. It will only be achieved through collaboration and commitment.

My purpose for this blog is the same as it has always been, just the scope of it has changed. It has become something bigger, it has become a portal to do good and achieve things that I never thought I would get involved in. On Monday I am having a conversation with Dr Guyer as to how I can help in any way, shape or form. I'm going down the road less traveled, the road will have its up's and down's, it will be scary because once again I will have to reflect on my journey through cancer in order to help others. The point of this post is to get ideas, I would really appreciate ideas as to how I can start something that would generate awareness and funds, that could either go viral or be achievable on a very big scale. Dr Guyer, and the rest of his family have started initiatives like Spinspiration, where through cycling events and partaking in cycling events such as The Cape Argus where 60 people rode under the "Cycling against Sarcoma" banner, they managed to generate funds that will go towards cancer research.

I'm stepping into a new world with this, people. I want to help where I can, but I am only one man, but I truly believe that a change in thinking comes from one person who can affect many. I'm just looking for ideas... so if you have some crazy or conservative idea, I want to hear them all. You can send on to my email brad_woodhouse@mac.com, or leave a comment under this post.

I will let you all know the feedback from my conversation on Monday.
Here is Jeff's blog, read it if you want to read about someone far braver and courageous than we all are. http://www.jeffsfightwithcancer.blogspot.co.uk/ 

The link below is the link to Jeff's fund. Please give it a look. 

https://give.massgeneral.org/sslpage.aspx?pid=1484

All the best for the weekend ahead, change isnt instantaneous or started by many at once... it starts when there is a shift in mindset by each and every one of us.