Time and the Tunnel

How often do we find ourselves going down a road that only weeks, months or years before we could never have imagined going down? Time is a great thickener of things, but I find that only true for things to do with the heart, when it comes to your mind and physical body… time plays the biggest part, it is the difference between here today and gone tomorrow. It is for that reason that you could understand my apprehension towards time and peoples lackluster view on how truly important it is. After or during cancer you learn to count not only time but moments and memories, moments that you would otherwise forget. Sometimes the moments are fond memories, other times they are less favorable but still etched into your memory. You all probably know of what I speak.

I am 24 days away from yet another 6 month check up, and my mind is slowly starting to focus, the steely resolve is creeping back to protect my mind from external issues, my body is slowly starting to tense up and take notice of all the little pains and aches, blurred vision or lapse in memory. It makes my mind jump back to a harder time. I will once again be sliding into the MRI tunnel at The LOC, where yet again they will be analyzing, scrutinizing and breaking down every neural activity, every neuron response, and more importantly looking at the 30% leftover of a tumor I had de-bulked in January 2012, followed by a ventriculostomy in October 2012. Those are in the past, and they made me stronger in all facets of my life. They made me repeatedly realize that every time I go into that tunnel, I need to subconsciously piece together my life, take stock of the important people in it, and what I want to achieve with my life irrespective if I’m around for a long or short time, because whatever they may or may not find in there will have an impact on the rest of my life, my family and my friend’s lives 

You are faced with two scenarios that you have to fully recognize before you inject yourself with contrast (dye), give the all clear and slide into that dark chamber. Once in there, you truly understand what it means to fight in the dark, you have to fight off the pounding noise of the MRI but also all the voices in your mind, to not give an inch in mental determination. To visualize that whatever was in there, no longer exists. Scenario 1, they find that the tumor is inactive, the metastatic rate is low and that you are free to continue your life as is. That is the ideal outcome and one that I am hoping for. Scenario 2, even when I write about it, it sends chills down my spine because it is the one thing that keeps me up at night, scenario 2 is that it has grown, the tumor has secondary’s and that I now have a shelf life. Whilst that is the last thing I want, it is something I have to recognize.

We all repeatedly live life having the “what if” function enabled. When we go out, do something silly, and wake up thinking, “what if” but you also realize you cant take it back… now imagine you are diagnosed with cancer, given days, weeks, months or years to live… your “what if” changes drastically. You no longer think I shouldn’t do that, you think, “Will it be the last time I am allowed to do that?”. I can’t change people’s thinking pattern, or how they lead their lives, I can only try to make people realize that we are only forced to affect a change when something is threatening to destroy everything we know and love, take away everything we have ever known. 

In January 2012, my “what if” function was different to what it is today, but my outlook on life is the same. I realized I wanted to live life, not the same one I had been living. I wanted to challenge myself, throw myself into a space I had never been in before, I wanted to travel and experience first hand all the incredible things on offer around the world. I did travel but the need was still gnawing at me, my desire to see more overcame my thinking to stay in SA, and I wanted to threaten myself into action. The people that helped me through the last year and 4 months have been irreplaceable, I have formed new friendships, realized the importance of old relationships and friendships and family, and I will never forget what you have all done for me in helping me get through the hardest part in my life. As a token of my appreciation, I will offer you some sound advice, life is terribly uncertain, we can only be certain that things will change, there will be ups and downs, and sometimes things happen that will change your perspective of what is important. Do not live life thinking “what if”, because if you are, that moment will pass you by and you will lose the opportunity of an experience.

I am in the process of relocating to London, where life is completely different to the one I had in Cape Town and Durban. The friendship circle is a lot smaller, the weather is much much worse, but the experience was the decider for me. I never want to look back on my life and say I didn’t do something because I was too comfortable, because in my situation my life can change in an instant. It only takes these big moments, unfortunately, for people to realize the importance of challenging themselves and living life without regrets. Living life to the fullest doesn’t entail changing your life, it requires pulling your life together to enjoy the moments you have, with the people you have around you.

Enjoy your Easter, everybody.