Hey. - I am just a dad........

Well first of all a big apology to all of you trusted followers of Brads blog for not updating you sooner on Brads progress but as you are aware we have been on the business end of why we have come here.

Just  a  quick Hello from the original author, its me, Brad. I have healed a substantial amount over the last few days, and a big part of the healing is being heavily medicated. That is why I have been withdrawn from the writing because my literary skills are not up to scratch and I might altogether forget why I am writing. I only just found out the other night I went on vitamin binge for brain pills, and I have been reassured that my spelling errors are a direct result of the very real narcotics I am on... so if you find some funny typos... I apologize, but they got me on the drugs! and my dad is making sure I do not miss a dose!, so now I leave it back up to the big guy, DW!

Stanford Hospital is becoming like a second home to us. The doctors, nurses and all the nurse aids continue to astound me with their professionalism and dedication to healing people. They have an absolute belief in the institution and the capability of the institution to bring patients back to health again. I have just bumped into the guy who pushed Brads trolley into theatre on the first day when he went for the biopsy. His name is Jimmy and he stops me in the passage and asks me how my son is doing. I give him the latest update and he says " be sure to tell Brad I send my best wishes and that I know he will be ok". Well I am not sure how many trolleys he pushes in a day but it is significant and he still manages to remember Brads name from three days ago. I am about to walk into ICU and the nurse who prepped Brad for his biopsy is walking out of ICU. Her name is Beth and she tells me that she has just popped in to see Brad and he is looking good. She did not have to do that - she was on her way home - but this is the level of commitment that I am talking to you about. It really has made a huge impression on me and makes me want to share this with you all as I believe the more you commit to something you love and are passionate about the more reward and satisfaction you will get out.

nice ding - thanks Griff

I am once again amazed when I look at my boy lying in the bed in ICU with that big smile on his face (and one on the back of his head) - and just two hours ago he was lying in theatre with instruments tinkering around right in the middle of his brain. The ICU nurse station sits between two beds - Brads and some other guy who had been blown up in Afghanistan. She is 100% focussed on these two patients and every reaction, cough or twitch is recorded. She says she has just received a digital alert from pathology that Brads potassium levels are low and she puts up the necessary drip to get his levels up again - everything working like clockwork. She does not leave that station and she wakes Brad every hour to check his vitals. Once again I leave Brad there knowing he is in the best care possible and that makes me feel relieved as I make my way back to the hotel.

in ICU

I get to my room and for the first time I realise how physically and emotionally exhausted I am . I realise that I have have taken myself past a point that I have ever taken myself and wonder how much more there is in me.

Friday 4.00am I am wide awake and I make my way down to the hospital and into ICU. Brad is awake and tells me that he had a late night MRI - all 40 minutes of it. By now Brad's number one enemy is becoming that tunnel in the MRI machine. Every time your body plunges into the depths of the machine he constantly questions what they are going to find this time.This is in huge contrast to the very first MRI he had where he lay there almost questioning why he was wasting people's time by doing this. He even wandered whether they would pick up his smile on the MRI.

3 pm we are due to meet Griff and Dr.Recht (prof Neuro oncology ). They have been held up and tell us they will meet us at Brads station in ICU. Brady is starting to build a phobia about the Dr. meetings as they are always very detailed and truthfull to the last detail and sometimes when you are in these vulnerable situations you feel that you would rather not know - it gives you a false sense of security. One thing that I have learnt in Brads journey is that knowledge is power. When your life is on the line knowledge becomes your greatest ally.

Griff arrives at speed - that's just the way he gets around. He tells us that that the MRI last night has shown that he managed to get more of the tumor out than what he originally thought . He estimates around 2/3's - so that was good news. He informs us that all the tissue that was removed was sent for pathology and that it all tested to be a low grade 2 Pineal tumor so that was also good news. He also tells us that the cyst was removed completely and that all looks good.

Griff tells us that the Tumor Board had met earlier to discuss Brads case. And just in case you have different illusions of what constitutes a tumour board let me put your mind at rest. It probably constitutes the highest concentration of medical genius' that you could possibly put around one table.

Griff tells us that there was some healthy discussion in Brads case and that general consensus believes that the best way forward would be to to have focussed radiation to the remaining tumour and the immediate surrounds so that we can eradicate the tumour itself and the little appendages that are adhering it to the wall of the 3rd ventricle. They are advocating a 6 week course.

Dr Recht and Dr Thomas both Profs of Neuro oncology arrive and inform us that they also agree with the suggestion that Griff has told us. One thing that you realise in this game is that the Doctors will give you the utmost professional advise and recommendation but at the end of the day the decision is yours and, man, they are big decisions. You've all heard the saying " a bad decision is better than no decision" . Well you question that for the first time knowing what the consequences of a bad decision can be. So every decision is the biggest you've ever made and you research and study every alternative in the minutest detail - there is a lesson in that!!

So now we know where we are headed and we have one more meeting with Dr. Gibbs ( Prof of Radiotherapy and one of the people involved in the development of the cyberknife project).The good news is that we can do this radiation in London. All of a sudden it dawns on me how lonely it's been. We are in the best place in the world to deal with Brady's tumour but you are alone out there. Support from family and friends has been unbelievable but been out of reach takes its toll. I also realise how technology has changed our lives. FaceTime and Skype have added a new dimension to the world in which we live and I wander how much it would have changed in 5 years time - and are we thinking about that.

you gotta love technology and what it brings

Here I am sitting in Silicon Valley - the home of Apple and FaceTime and Skype.and I can connect to family, friends and business associates across the world. I eve's dropped into a conversation at the hotel the other day. The hotel I am in is the official gathering place for the elite of the Valley. Two engineers were talking to a sponsor - obviously looking for investment. I overheard the one engineer saying to the sponsor " we spend to much time designing for whats now and not enough time designing for what's next". That made me think a bit....... ,!!

Back to ICU -  two more professors come in Dr Lopez and Dr. Nguyen ( Prof of Neuro sciences) . These are the guys that constantly were monitoring Brads neurological responses throughout the operation. The reason for the visit was that something happened with Brad that they have only had two previous cases of. Brad had bitten his Tongue in response to one of the impulses that they had initiated. The guard which prevents him from doing so must have dislodged and the result was a seriously swollen and bruised Tongue - only Brad.

nice bite

So one day later they are ready to let Brad go from ICU but I think Brad quite fancied the attention there so on one of the nurses's attempts to get Brad mobile he proceeded to vomit all over her foot. Apparently fairly common as the blood in the floor of the ventricle (in the brain) from the op can swirl around and cause nausea.

We leave Brad knowing that in the morning he would have moved to a general ward. This being 1 day after brain surgery!!!

Saturday morning I am up early and get down to the hospital full of optimism knowing that we are a day further away from the surgery and knowing that each day from here on Brad will be feeling better than the previous day. What greeted me I simply was not ready for and I felt like I had walked into a right hook. Brad was down, he was aching everywhere and feeling the full effects of serious surgery. So it was going to be a long day!! We manage to pick him up and Griff comes to see us and tells us that that Brad is doing fantastically well and if we can get him onto his feet he can go home. Home being the hotel.

first bath - still loyal to the brands

So 2 days after brain surgery Brad is in the car and we are on the way to the hotel. That night I think I got to understand what it must be like to be an ICU nurse on her first night of duty. I had Brad back in the bed next to me - for that I will be eternally grateful but it was a sleepless night with having to be up to administer medication and your subconscious becomes programmed to detect any abnormal noise emanating from your responsibility.

Sunday morning greats us with a booming headache and Brad is battling. He had been sleeping so well I skipped his one pain medication time slot. Lesson learnt - we won't do that again as it takes a couple of hours to get the pain under control again but he recovered well and in no time we were on our first big walk and had lunch, in the sun, at the main hotel verandah.

up and about

 

Sunday dinner was the same tomato soup we had for lunch and roast chicken with veg. We are feeling good and strong after the walk and eager for an early night. I give Brad his meds and look forward to a good night sleep.

Wrong!! 12 midnight I had just given Brad his meds and he tells me he is feeling nauseas. Nausea after brain surgery is a warning sign. With that he makes his way to the bath room and I jump up to help him and just missed the first vomit missile which was followed up by a second big one.

Now it was time to find all those numbers that the hospital gives you that you never think you will need and you are half asleep yourself. I eventually get put through to the Neurosurgeon on duty and explain what has just gone down - or should I say what has just shot out!! He asks all sorts of questions and tells me to watch him closely. Thanks mate - like I needed to hear that. So that's my sleep for the night!

Monday morning and anyone may have mistaken who had just had brain surgery - me or Brad. And then I get a mail from one of the guys at work - " you know who you are and I want you to know what that meant to me at that particular time".

This is what it said

"Hi Derek
I deliberated for some time about mailing you. My hesitation for doing
so was predominately to do with respect. That may sound odd, but in my
mind, out of respect I shouldn't be "bothering" you.

Then I read your blog posts again and I realized it would be remiss of
me to not send you this mail. I say that because I've come to the
realization that you are no different to any other father. Your love
and admiration for your boy is tangible. I've always had the utmost
respect for you in the 13 odd years I've known you. I have however
over the years developed my own somewhat distorted perspective on you
as an individual. Your successes and the fact you are my business
leader have put you in a place that seems somewhat distant from my
reality. But as you write so beautifully and with such transparency
about your love for Brad, I now see you as quite simply a father
focussing all of his attention and endless energy on what matters most
to you in life. And that's fantastic!

I admire you immensely for sharing your most personal feelings. My
respect for you has taken on a new level. No longer are you that
determined, passionate, trusted man who cares so much about his
business and the people that work with him. You are all that, but at
the same time, and for me more importantly, you are a loving father
holding his sons hand so damn tight as you both fight your way through
a challenging time.

I wish you all the strength in the world. I know you and Brad will succeed.

Take care Derek. See you soon."

That made me realise that above everything else that I may or may not be - I AM A DAD and that is something so special that you should never take for granted

thanks dad..

I am just a dad ...........!!!