How do we gauge mental strength? Is it something we are born with, and during times of hardship it surfaces as a coping mechanism or is it something that can be molded and nurtured. I have been trying to work out how mentally strong I am, and I have to believe in the latter, that mental strength is something developed. I say this because if I was confronted with this situation a year ago, I would have told you that I wouldnt have had the strength to deal with it. Slowly over time, and understanding my situation am I able to realize that no matter the obstacle before me, or the road ahead, I will prevail. For 3 months I have toiled with coming to grips with tomorrow, and it has been a fight I have not fought alone.
Coming out of the this battle in February was incredible, I have forged friendships with people I had not met before, and solidified friendships I already had. People showed me such incredible support and keep urging me on, willing me to keep fighting. I realized soon after coming back that I was not strong enough mentally to fight alone, even considering what I had been through prior to that. So I saw neuro-psychologists and they helped, but the real lessons came from those I know. I realized that while the neuro-psychologists give me methods to deal with everything, in the moments of panic and fear, I am going to phone my family or girlfriend, and not my psychologist.
Doing the things that scare you sometimes help you realize the importance of life, we develop a fear in our psyches that somehow nestles into everything we do and until we find comfort in our physical and mental abilities, we live under its spell.
3 months ago, I set up an appointment with Professor Brada, my radiation oncologist. The appointment is to check up on my status, as well as monitoring the cancer in my head. Those 3 months are up, and tomorrow I meet up once again with Prof Brada (apt name considering my name is Brad). I have enjoyed 3 months of uninhibited relaxation, which is exactly what the doctor ordered, now we once again, we pick up from where we left off, shake off the insecurities and fears I have and regroup with a positive mindset.
Flying halfway around the world may seem a bit extreme for a checkup, but my family and loved ones have realized that no distance is too far when it is concerned with not just your health but your very life. My trip back to London has been a harrowing one, firstly I had to say goodbye to my incredible girlfriend in Cape Town, she has put up with so much, and has never asked for anything in return, I will never forget it. And then I had to part ways with my mother and sister in Durban, it is scary to accept that sometimes in life even when you are surrounded by the most incredible and loving family possible, you need to do some things yourself and believe that those closest to you will be there for you should the need arise. Secondly, my flight out of Durban was aborted mid-takeoff due to an aft door opening just before the nose lifted. Great way to start my trip.
Tomorrow, I go back in to that tunnel. I willingly lie in the MRI tunnel and accept that whatever they find, good or bad, that I am ready. I will keep fighting as I have. I have had the time over the last 3 months to reflect on my life, and the people I want in it, as well as what I want to do with it. So many opportunities arise when you accept there is so much possibility in this world, and I can no longer sit on the side line and watch programs about people seeing those special places, I need to do it myself, so one day I can account for a life well spent.
Of course fear arises, I wouldnt be human if I didnt accept the fear, and realise that I harbour this fear because I have such an incredible life filled with so many incredible people that I am scared to lose it. My family have kept me sane over the last 3 months, last night was a key instance. I had a minor panic attack prior to flying to London, and through being on the phone with my mom, dad, and girlfriend, and fortunately being being at the airport with my sister, brother-in-law and niece, I was able to calm down, collect my thoughts and remember why I am here.
I am here, in London, to hear the news that I am on the road to recovery, and not the opposite. It is a road I will ride with the support of all of you, my family, loved ones and friends. I will check in after the scan and let you know how it all goes.
I am once again feeling that support that urged me through America, and every little bit helps, so thank you.
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