Life, or something like it.

We give emotion a lot of control in our lives, but none more so than the emotion of fear. It is the controlling emotion that shepherds us between life and living. The reality is that we all know that this fear resides in all of us, some of us are restrained by its power, grounded by its ability to make loss a realization. Others acknowledge this existence of this fear dwelling deep within our subconscious, but as they may respect it, they do not condone it to rule their life. Fear is the feeling that quickly washes over you, completely blinding your ability to think and comprehend what is going on. It is purely there to evoke a change in your subconscious, and to make you life on the “safe” side. We all have something we fear, in fact there are many things we fear, we just have to acknowledge its existence and move on from there. I feared cancer my whole life, it is only when you know you have this this little bugger residing in you do you focus, and that oddly enough is when the fear subsides and you are able to take control of what you can.

I haven't written my blog for a while, because this latest excerpt has captured my attention and required me to face my own fears and what I have learnt is that it shows how we all gauge fear, and to what limits we let it control our , at times, out of control lives. I have missed writing in my blog, but this topic has captured my attention and required for me to truly ply my thoughts as well as thoughts of those around me. We all perceive fear differently, and our fears are inherently different. But it all comes back to the truth that fear is what we make it. I realized that whilst I have this cancer and know full well that I wont let it beat me, there are a lot of scared friends, family and loved ones who are living this journey with me, who are feeling a very similar fear to me, but theirs is worse because they are not the masters of their own destiny, they cannot fight this fight for me, but can hold my hand and be there for me in the good times and the bad. That is exactly what you have all done, you have removed prejudices and misconceptions in a move to try make my life better, and I am still searching for the words to say “Thank You”.

The compounding factor about fear is that fear also has a malignancy, far worse than any cancerous growth. It resides within us, slowly gaining momentum, until this fear begins to control our lives , and becomes a juggernaut, and it can steer us into some dark places. Fear is worse than cancer though, because fear is something that can only be beaten with the mind, cancer also requires the strength of your mind, but there is some incredible modern medicine and doctors that can cure you. Fear is different, fear is down to you.  We all hear that cancer is spurred on by certain proven things, and that it rescinds in the presence of other things. 3 things I know full well that do not help cancer are: Stress, Fear and Negativity, all 3 of which can be controlled by ourselves, so it begs the question of how do we let our lives get so out of control that it causes cancer. I am still searching for the answer, in the mean time I am trying to full my life with enough of the opposites. Fear, stress, and negativity is what I refer to as the tripod, and  I am trying to rid these three emotions from my life. They are three emotions that can lower you into the lowest pits of existence, they reside within all of us, but will only surface should we let them.

I am in the process of regrouping my life, collecting the small fragments that were blown apart by this squall, which shattered my life, and the foreseeable future. I often remind myself that we only give away that which we are not willing to hold on tight enough to. Life is exactly the same. I have an iron grip on this fight, I have it around the neck and I am slowly removing all life from this cancer.
We all have small problems, its when all of those problems either compound into a major problem, or we are faced with a problem that completely blindsides us, that we go into free-fall, not able to think or feel. Once that initial hit is over, and our lives are blown wide open we begin to ask ourselves, How do we pick up life in a similar vein to how it was lead before?

 There is no sure answer, and I know this because I have searched for it. The best thing we can do in order to combat the effects, of what feels like post-traumatic stress, is to talk and convey our emotions. I have been searching for my solution to fear, fear of the unknown and fear of what I could leave behind. We all worry about menial things in life, but as soon as our life and livelihood is threatened do we take a step back and recognize the bigger picture. Its odd because once we make it past that major ordeal, and our moment or epiphany has passed, we can either move back into the exact same ritual or habit as before or we go the route less traveled, and become people completely different, looking at life differently and following a different path. We become a source of inspiration, or are able to inspire people because odds are that there are other people going through the exact same thing as you, and may be to scared to step forth. Since my cancer became public knowledge I have heard of 6 people who have been diagnosed with brain tumors and other forms of cancer, to those people, keep fighting, because I will. I draw inspiration from you, and we can find comfort that, unfortunately, we will never be alone in this fight with cancer.

The doctors warned me that after so many operations and psychological tests, I would inevitably hit a juncture where I could either capitulate and surrender, or recognize the damage caused and regroup. It is incredibly hard for one to put their life together after one little medical test shatters your hopes and dreams for the short-term future. I know people have found solace in this blog, and my journey has relations to not just medical obstacles, but obstacles that we all face, every day. Some event may occur in your life that changes your perspective on life, and requires for you to form a completely different approach to the life you used to live.

The truth is that we all have problems, whether they are big or small in stature, it does not mean that they are any different, merely the cause is different. We can dwell on the bad, or we can move against the incoming tide. We will always be faced with fear, and emotions that require us to either fight or flight. It isn’t in my nature to run, if anything I will run head on in to the challenge, and I know I will overcome it because behind me I have the backing and support of my friends and family, and I have a strong mind.

I used to live in fear of what might happen, now if I have any fear, it is of what may not happen if I don’t live my life.  If I don’t live now, I may never get a second chance, don’t let that be your case.