These last few months have been the most torrid, whirlwind months of my life. I cannot accurately explain my experience, nor can I attempt to thank all of you enough. Since the 15th December, 2011, my family, loved ones and I have been barreling along in a turbulent filled environment. That was the day I was diagnosed with a Germinoma, and since then my diagnosis has changed to that of Pineal Cytoma, a rare malignant cancer that manifests within the inner cavities of your brain. We have come to terms with the most frightening of circumstances, and accepted the scariest of odds, and coming out the other end is a thought, and a luxury I never afforded myself.
It is scary to look back, and having now accepted everything, I walk away from all of this relatively unscathed. Yes, I have scars, 4 of them. They will be there for the rest of my life, and I will wear them with pride, because they are memories of a time when life was harder, the realities were more real and I truly was fighting for my life, and some how and some way I walked away, ALIVE. I still wake up some nights, and in order to calibrate whether this has all been real, I search for the 10cm scar etched into the back of my skull. It is still there, and therefore the memories are real, I breathe a little bit easier knowing that it has passed.
We have all been fighting for these four months, and oddly enough they have been invaluable. I have seen human compassion at its best. I have seen what the medical world has to offer. I have been to the forefront of medical technology, and I have seen that the only thing holding us back is ourselves. I know that I am incredibly fortunate to have been able to go to these incredible institutions, and I pledge that I will search for the rest of my life to make it more accessible to more people, but that is a story for another time.
So, for four months I have come to terms with everything, I have acknowledged that life is truly the most incredible gift. When I was lying in ICU in Hospital (Stanford and Umhlanga) all I wanted to do, besides being with my family and girlfriend, was to run. It didn't matter where, or when, all I wanted to do was know that I can decide my own path, and I could run for the rest of my days, and someday, somehow I would get there. It was then that I decided to focus all of my energy, both mental and physical on attaining this elusive life after cancer. Cancer is a disease that can be beaten and is being beaten. It is a sad truth that we only hear about the deaths of cancer, and rarely about the incredible fights people have in which they come out on top.
Last Wednesday, 25th April, I met up once again with Professor Brada. I had been so apprehensive about meeting up with him for fear that his words would come down like a sledgehammer on my pieced together world. I had concentrated so hard at trying to reassemble my world since the world-altering explosion of 15/12/2011, that I feared it would happen again. This professor had the power to completely blow my world apart once again. Since we set up the appointment in February, I had been obsessing over this date. My girlfriend could see my residing further and further into my armor, moving back in order to protect myself and those around me from anything sudden. I saw so many people back home, and went over the story so many times that even when I tried, I could not remove reality from my thought. People were concerned and I appreciate that immensely, but when you are trying to straighten your mind post-brain surgery, it is hard to constantly go over the intricate details of my experience in America and London.
So 25th of April approached, it came barreling down the chamber quicker than I could have thought. 3 months passed by in the blink of an eye. I found myself back in London, and contrary to what all the Londoners say, it is NOT SPRING, it is still freezing. I Arrived on the 24th, and had very little time here to prepare so I tried to do so back in South Africa through the use of a neuro-pyschologist. Unfortunately this failed, I will double my efforts this side in an attempt to gauge whether I am sane. The evening of the 24th was spent very casually with my family, I needed reassurance and my nerves were shot. I knew I was going back into that tunnel where they would focus all of their excessive medical and technical knowledge in trying to determine whether this cancer has grown and whether it poses a credible threat to my life. I woke up on the morning of the 25th and it is cold and rainy, hopefully not an ominous sign. My MRI is scheduled for 1:00 pm, and it arrives quicker than expected.
We arrive at Harley Street Clinic, and the warm environment and plush carpets are welcome compared to the cold air and hard streets outside. We are met at exactly 1:00 pm, as organized. A lady shepherds me down into the basement where they have thick walls, which can only mean one thing. Radiation. I am asked to remove all clothing, metal and accessories. I comply, and in no time I am face-to-face with that tunnel again. this machine will determine how the next few weeks/months and years of my life are spent. Bring it. I hop into the machine, slide the headphones on which are there not only for comfort but also so that I wont go deaf from the disturbing noise the machine manifests. They slide me in, and the same steely resolve slides over me again, I am in this tunnel for the sole reason of determining where I am and what more needs to be done in relation to that position. To my elation I find that the music is Coldplay, I am able to breathe a little easier. 20 minutes later they pull me out, inject some contrast into my veins which makes my brain light up like a Christmas tree. All of 10 minutes later, and I am out. This is the hardest period, it is where you find yourself questioning why they took so long in one of the MRI sequences, why did they pause in some places and move along in others. These are questions I will never get answers to, so might as well never fret over them.
My appointment with Prof Brada is at 3pm, and the 2 hours pass slower than a Manchester United game. I go over every possibility in my mind, and accept all eventualities. 3pm arrives and we are escorted into Brada's office, he greets us warmly and yet again I steal a glimpse at his computer screen. Wow, I have a big head, and if I can read correctly, there is a lot of neural activity going on in there. He can sense my apprehension, and contrary to all other doctors, he says my scans were fine and I can relax. I felt my body sliding though my shoes. You could've told me the world was ending in a couple of hours, but at that time I was so euphoric, that I would've found the positive amongst the negative.
We once more told me that I am going to be fine, the tumor isnt growing, it isnt seeding, it isnt spreading. It is an incredibly low malignancy. He told me I can eat and drink whatever I wish, and I can carry on my life as per normal, well not as it was because as most of you know it was fairly extreme. But I will live it the best of my ability, with the full intention of living it as it was meant to be.
So now I find myself back into the swing of life, I am fine, I have overcome so incredible odds, and I have a remarkable story. So where do I go from here? I know one direction, and that is forward, I enjoy life all the more, and I move, as I have always done. I move forward knowing that as a person, I can overcome anything that is thrown at me. So now, I Move On and I do not let this cancer stop me from moving ever again.
Monday, 30 April 2012
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
Rest over, time to regroup.
How do we gauge mental strength? Is it something we are born with, and during times of hardship it surfaces as a coping mechanism or is it something that can be molded and nurtured. I have been trying to work out how mentally strong I am, and I have to believe in the latter, that mental strength is something developed. I say this because if I was confronted with this situation a year ago, I would have told you that I wouldnt have had the strength to deal with it. Slowly over time, and understanding my situation am I able to realize that no matter the obstacle before me, or the road ahead, I will prevail. For 3 months I have toiled with coming to grips with tomorrow, and it has been a fight I have not fought alone.
Coming out of the this battle in February was incredible, I have forged friendships with people I had not met before, and solidified friendships I already had. People showed me such incredible support and keep urging me on, willing me to keep fighting. I realized soon after coming back that I was not strong enough mentally to fight alone, even considering what I had been through prior to that. So I saw neuro-psychologists and they helped, but the real lessons came from those I know. I realized that while the neuro-psychologists give me methods to deal with everything, in the moments of panic and fear, I am going to phone my family or girlfriend, and not my psychologist.
Doing the things that scare you sometimes help you realize the importance of life, we develop a fear in our psyches that somehow nestles into everything we do and until we find comfort in our physical and mental abilities, we live under its spell.
3 months ago, I set up an appointment with Professor Brada, my radiation oncologist. The appointment is to check up on my status, as well as monitoring the cancer in my head. Those 3 months are up, and tomorrow I meet up once again with Prof Brada (apt name considering my name is Brad). I have enjoyed 3 months of uninhibited relaxation, which is exactly what the doctor ordered, now we once again, we pick up from where we left off, shake off the insecurities and fears I have and regroup with a positive mindset.
Flying halfway around the world may seem a bit extreme for a checkup, but my family and loved ones have realized that no distance is too far when it is concerned with not just your health but your very life. My trip back to London has been a harrowing one, firstly I had to say goodbye to my incredible girlfriend in Cape Town, she has put up with so much, and has never asked for anything in return, I will never forget it. And then I had to part ways with my mother and sister in Durban, it is scary to accept that sometimes in life even when you are surrounded by the most incredible and loving family possible, you need to do some things yourself and believe that those closest to you will be there for you should the need arise. Secondly, my flight out of Durban was aborted mid-takeoff due to an aft door opening just before the nose lifted. Great way to start my trip.
Tomorrow, I go back in to that tunnel. I willingly lie in the MRI tunnel and accept that whatever they find, good or bad, that I am ready. I will keep fighting as I have. I have had the time over the last 3 months to reflect on my life, and the people I want in it, as well as what I want to do with it. So many opportunities arise when you accept there is so much possibility in this world, and I can no longer sit on the side line and watch programs about people seeing those special places, I need to do it myself, so one day I can account for a life well spent.
Of course fear arises, I wouldnt be human if I didnt accept the fear, and realise that I harbour this fear because I have such an incredible life filled with so many incredible people that I am scared to lose it. My family have kept me sane over the last 3 months, last night was a key instance. I had a minor panic attack prior to flying to London, and through being on the phone with my mom, dad, and girlfriend, and fortunately being being at the airport with my sister, brother-in-law and niece, I was able to calm down, collect my thoughts and remember why I am here.
I am here, in London, to hear the news that I am on the road to recovery, and not the opposite. It is a road I will ride with the support of all of you, my family, loved ones and friends. I will check in after the scan and let you know how it all goes.
I am once again feeling that support that urged me through America, and every little bit helps, so thank you.
Coming out of the this battle in February was incredible, I have forged friendships with people I had not met before, and solidified friendships I already had. People showed me such incredible support and keep urging me on, willing me to keep fighting. I realized soon after coming back that I was not strong enough mentally to fight alone, even considering what I had been through prior to that. So I saw neuro-psychologists and they helped, but the real lessons came from those I know. I realized that while the neuro-psychologists give me methods to deal with everything, in the moments of panic and fear, I am going to phone my family or girlfriend, and not my psychologist.
Doing the things that scare you sometimes help you realize the importance of life, we develop a fear in our psyches that somehow nestles into everything we do and until we find comfort in our physical and mental abilities, we live under its spell.
3 months ago, I set up an appointment with Professor Brada, my radiation oncologist. The appointment is to check up on my status, as well as monitoring the cancer in my head. Those 3 months are up, and tomorrow I meet up once again with Prof Brada (apt name considering my name is Brad). I have enjoyed 3 months of uninhibited relaxation, which is exactly what the doctor ordered, now we once again, we pick up from where we left off, shake off the insecurities and fears I have and regroup with a positive mindset.
Flying halfway around the world may seem a bit extreme for a checkup, but my family and loved ones have realized that no distance is too far when it is concerned with not just your health but your very life. My trip back to London has been a harrowing one, firstly I had to say goodbye to my incredible girlfriend in Cape Town, she has put up with so much, and has never asked for anything in return, I will never forget it. And then I had to part ways with my mother and sister in Durban, it is scary to accept that sometimes in life even when you are surrounded by the most incredible and loving family possible, you need to do some things yourself and believe that those closest to you will be there for you should the need arise. Secondly, my flight out of Durban was aborted mid-takeoff due to an aft door opening just before the nose lifted. Great way to start my trip.
Tomorrow, I go back in to that tunnel. I willingly lie in the MRI tunnel and accept that whatever they find, good or bad, that I am ready. I will keep fighting as I have. I have had the time over the last 3 months to reflect on my life, and the people I want in it, as well as what I want to do with it. So many opportunities arise when you accept there is so much possibility in this world, and I can no longer sit on the side line and watch programs about people seeing those special places, I need to do it myself, so one day I can account for a life well spent.
Of course fear arises, I wouldnt be human if I didnt accept the fear, and realise that I harbour this fear because I have such an incredible life filled with so many incredible people that I am scared to lose it. My family have kept me sane over the last 3 months, last night was a key instance. I had a minor panic attack prior to flying to London, and through being on the phone with my mom, dad, and girlfriend, and fortunately being being at the airport with my sister, brother-in-law and niece, I was able to calm down, collect my thoughts and remember why I am here.
I am here, in London, to hear the news that I am on the road to recovery, and not the opposite. It is a road I will ride with the support of all of you, my family, loved ones and friends. I will check in after the scan and let you know how it all goes.
I am once again feeling that support that urged me through America, and every little bit helps, so thank you.
Monday, 2 April 2012
Life, or something like it.
We give emotion a lot of control in our lives, but none more so than the emotion of fear. It is the controlling emotion that shepherds us between life and living. The reality is that we all know that this fear resides in all of us, some of us are restrained by its power, grounded by its ability to make loss a realization. Others acknowledge this existence of this fear dwelling deep within our subconscious, but as they may respect it, they do not condone it to rule their life. Fear is the feeling that quickly washes over you, completely blinding your ability to think and comprehend what is going on. It is purely there to evoke a change in your subconscious, and to make you life on the “safe” side. We all have something we fear, in fact there are many things we fear, we just have to acknowledge its existence and move on from there. I feared cancer my whole life, it is only when you know you have this this little bugger residing in you do you focus, and that oddly enough is when the fear subsides and you are able to take control of what you can.
I haven't written my blog for a while, because this latest excerpt has captured my attention and required me to face my own fears and what I have learnt is that it shows how we all gauge fear, and to what limits we let it control our , at times, out of control lives. I have missed writing in my blog, but this topic has captured my attention and required for me to truly ply my thoughts as well as thoughts of those around me. We all perceive fear differently, and our fears are inherently different. But it all comes back to the truth that fear is what we make it. I realized that whilst I have this cancer and know full well that I wont let it beat me, there are a lot of scared friends, family and loved ones who are living this journey with me, who are feeling a very similar fear to me, but theirs is worse because they are not the masters of their own destiny, they cannot fight this fight for me, but can hold my hand and be there for me in the good times and the bad. That is exactly what you have all done, you have removed prejudices and misconceptions in a move to try make my life better, and I am still searching for the words to say “Thank You”.
The compounding factor about fear is that fear also has a malignancy, far worse than any cancerous growth. It resides within us, slowly gaining momentum, until this fear begins to control our lives , and becomes a juggernaut, and it can steer us into some dark places. Fear is worse than cancer though, because fear is something that can only be beaten with the mind, cancer also requires the strength of your mind, but there is some incredible modern medicine and doctors that can cure you. Fear is different, fear is down to you. We all hear that cancer is spurred on by certain proven things, and that it rescinds in the presence of other things. 3 things I know full well that do not help cancer are: Stress, Fear and Negativity, all 3 of which can be controlled by ourselves, so it begs the question of how do we let our lives get so out of control that it causes cancer. I am still searching for the answer, in the mean time I am trying to full my life with enough of the opposites. Fear, stress, and negativity is what I refer to as the tripod, and I am trying to rid these three emotions from my life. They are three emotions that can lower you into the lowest pits of existence, they reside within all of us, but will only surface should we let them.
I am in the process of regrouping my life, collecting the small fragments that were blown apart by this squall, which shattered my life, and the foreseeable future. I often remind myself that we only give away that which we are not willing to hold on tight enough to. Life is exactly the same. I have an iron grip on this fight, I have it around the neck and I am slowly removing all life from this cancer.
We all have small problems, its when all of those problems either compound into a major problem, or we are faced with a problem that completely blindsides us, that we go into free-fall, not able to think or feel. Once that initial hit is over, and our lives are blown wide open we begin to ask ourselves, How do we pick up life in a similar vein to how it was lead before?
There is no sure answer, and I know this because I have searched for it. The best thing we can do in order to combat the effects, of what feels like post-traumatic stress, is to talk and convey our emotions. I have been searching for my solution to fear, fear of the unknown and fear of what I could leave behind. We all worry about menial things in life, but as soon as our life and livelihood is threatened do we take a step back and recognize the bigger picture. Its odd because once we make it past that major ordeal, and our moment or epiphany has passed, we can either move back into the exact same ritual or habit as before or we go the route less traveled, and become people completely different, looking at life differently and following a different path. We become a source of inspiration, or are able to inspire people because odds are that there are other people going through the exact same thing as you, and may be to scared to step forth. Since my cancer became public knowledge I have heard of 6 people who have been diagnosed with brain tumors and other forms of cancer, to those people, keep fighting, because I will. I draw inspiration from you, and we can find comfort that, unfortunately, we will never be alone in this fight with cancer.
The doctors warned me that after so many operations and psychological tests, I would inevitably hit a juncture where I could either capitulate and surrender, or recognize the damage caused and regroup. It is incredibly hard for one to put their life together after one little medical test shatters your hopes and dreams for the short-term future. I know people have found solace in this blog, and my journey has relations to not just medical obstacles, but obstacles that we all face, every day. Some event may occur in your life that changes your perspective on life, and requires for you to form a completely different approach to the life you used to live.
The truth is that we all have problems, whether they are big or small in stature, it does not mean that they are any different, merely the cause is different. We can dwell on the bad, or we can move against the incoming tide. We will always be faced with fear, and emotions that require us to either fight or flight. It isn’t in my nature to run, if anything I will run head on in to the challenge, and I know I will overcome it because behind me I have the backing and support of my friends and family, and I have a strong mind.
I used to live in fear of what might happen, now if I have any fear, it is of what may not happen if I don’t live my life. If I don’t live now, I may never get a second chance, don’t let that be your case.
I haven't written my blog for a while, because this latest excerpt has captured my attention and required me to face my own fears and what I have learnt is that it shows how we all gauge fear, and to what limits we let it control our , at times, out of control lives. I have missed writing in my blog, but this topic has captured my attention and required for me to truly ply my thoughts as well as thoughts of those around me. We all perceive fear differently, and our fears are inherently different. But it all comes back to the truth that fear is what we make it. I realized that whilst I have this cancer and know full well that I wont let it beat me, there are a lot of scared friends, family and loved ones who are living this journey with me, who are feeling a very similar fear to me, but theirs is worse because they are not the masters of their own destiny, they cannot fight this fight for me, but can hold my hand and be there for me in the good times and the bad. That is exactly what you have all done, you have removed prejudices and misconceptions in a move to try make my life better, and I am still searching for the words to say “Thank You”.
The compounding factor about fear is that fear also has a malignancy, far worse than any cancerous growth. It resides within us, slowly gaining momentum, until this fear begins to control our lives , and becomes a juggernaut, and it can steer us into some dark places. Fear is worse than cancer though, because fear is something that can only be beaten with the mind, cancer also requires the strength of your mind, but there is some incredible modern medicine and doctors that can cure you. Fear is different, fear is down to you. We all hear that cancer is spurred on by certain proven things, and that it rescinds in the presence of other things. 3 things I know full well that do not help cancer are: Stress, Fear and Negativity, all 3 of which can be controlled by ourselves, so it begs the question of how do we let our lives get so out of control that it causes cancer. I am still searching for the answer, in the mean time I am trying to full my life with enough of the opposites. Fear, stress, and negativity is what I refer to as the tripod, and I am trying to rid these three emotions from my life. They are three emotions that can lower you into the lowest pits of existence, they reside within all of us, but will only surface should we let them.
I am in the process of regrouping my life, collecting the small fragments that were blown apart by this squall, which shattered my life, and the foreseeable future. I often remind myself that we only give away that which we are not willing to hold on tight enough to. Life is exactly the same. I have an iron grip on this fight, I have it around the neck and I am slowly removing all life from this cancer.
We all have small problems, its when all of those problems either compound into a major problem, or we are faced with a problem that completely blindsides us, that we go into free-fall, not able to think or feel. Once that initial hit is over, and our lives are blown wide open we begin to ask ourselves, How do we pick up life in a similar vein to how it was lead before?
There is no sure answer, and I know this because I have searched for it. The best thing we can do in order to combat the effects, of what feels like post-traumatic stress, is to talk and convey our emotions. I have been searching for my solution to fear, fear of the unknown and fear of what I could leave behind. We all worry about menial things in life, but as soon as our life and livelihood is threatened do we take a step back and recognize the bigger picture. Its odd because once we make it past that major ordeal, and our moment or epiphany has passed, we can either move back into the exact same ritual or habit as before or we go the route less traveled, and become people completely different, looking at life differently and following a different path. We become a source of inspiration, or are able to inspire people because odds are that there are other people going through the exact same thing as you, and may be to scared to step forth. Since my cancer became public knowledge I have heard of 6 people who have been diagnosed with brain tumors and other forms of cancer, to those people, keep fighting, because I will. I draw inspiration from you, and we can find comfort that, unfortunately, we will never be alone in this fight with cancer.
The doctors warned me that after so many operations and psychological tests, I would inevitably hit a juncture where I could either capitulate and surrender, or recognize the damage caused and regroup. It is incredibly hard for one to put their life together after one little medical test shatters your hopes and dreams for the short-term future. I know people have found solace in this blog, and my journey has relations to not just medical obstacles, but obstacles that we all face, every day. Some event may occur in your life that changes your perspective on life, and requires for you to form a completely different approach to the life you used to live.
The truth is that we all have problems, whether they are big or small in stature, it does not mean that they are any different, merely the cause is different. We can dwell on the bad, or we can move against the incoming tide. We will always be faced with fear, and emotions that require us to either fight or flight. It isn’t in my nature to run, if anything I will run head on in to the challenge, and I know I will overcome it because behind me I have the backing and support of my friends and family, and I have a strong mind.
I used to live in fear of what might happen, now if I have any fear, it is of what may not happen if I don’t live my life. If I don’t live now, I may never get a second chance, don’t let that be your case.
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