Why do we fight when we are faced with adversity, is it some sort of obscure predisposition or human nature? And what hidden drive is the reason for never giving up and maintaining that fight regardless of the obstacle, when we know that the odds are stacked up against us, but we carry on and see out everyday and wake up to see the sun in the morning.
Those are the questions I had to find answers to very quickly, I realized that in life, we are faced with these situations because they make you a stronger person, and in some ways, a better person. I had to formulate these answers very quickly, so forgive me if they are lacking in depth. At the time of my diagnosis my life was in turmoil, and those closest to me will understand the dark place I was in, and the reasons for me being there. In hindsight I realize that I was there because of the tumor, it affected my mood, my outlook on life and my attitude towards my friends.
My friends have been so incredible throughout these last few months, whether it be people BBMing me at obscure times in the night as they didnt quite understand the time zones, or Skyping with a few of my friends at once, you realize that the medicine helps, and the scars and lesions will heal as the sutures begin to work in repairing the wounds. The deepest and most damaging wounds are the ones we suffer inside. Two Fridays ago I had some friends over , and as I sat there with my friends surrounding me, the first of my answers popped in my head (hopefully it wasnt the tumor, haha). I realized my fight was so strong because I had something worth fighting for. My family and friends were the core reason, the anchor of a ship in a squall. Those unique people, each in their own way pulled me to shore, and with every word of encouragement I have received, I have utilized in getting myself, and my parents back home.
People have told me that I have been strong throughout, and I fought so well and so hard. I have tried to explain that if it were them, would they do it any other way, or would they surrender. My mindset going in to this whole fight was unique, not once did I surrender to the idea of death. I have also tried to explain that we all find some resolve or some form of courage deep within that we thought we never had. If you had asked me whether I would be able to outlast this storm, I would tell you I would have capitulated and forfeit my life in the process. I realized the reason for my fight was in a large part due to my desire to live, because of the people I live it with. You get a completely new perspective on life, you see everything a little clearer and everyday seems like an opportunity.
All the petty squabbles I have had in the past count for nothing, I appreciate every person more than ever, but at the same time I realize I am quicker to weed out the people who are wasting life in a superficial way to make themselves feel better. I am not saying I am judgmental, I am merely saying that I dont have time for the people who talk behind each others back, as well as flaunting the material things. That isn’t your last thought when youre lying on a metal table. To be honest my thoughts of that moment are still a little hazy, but I know it wasnt me wishing I had bought the Apple computer I saw at the shops the day before. Those are not your last thoughts, and they never should be. All I wanted was to wake up, and see my family, girlfriend and friends.
My second answer to why I fought so hard is to help people, I have a disease that is incredibly rare as far as brain tumors go, and instead of crying about it, and researching all the negative aspects of my situation, I realized I should rather turn this negative into a positive. I have chosen to rather help people in a similar situation to me instead of avoiding them. With that mindset I have met incredible people. The scariest thing is that ever since my tumor emerged, I have heard of 5 other people being diagnosed with brain tumors. That is a scary truth that none can ignore.
About two weeks ago I encountered a very strange sensation. I had just been given this clean bill of health yet I was stuck in a vortex, and I couldnt understand why I was experiencing these feelings and emotions. What I am referring to is a form of depression, I couldnt understand why I was in this situation, I was back in South Africa, happy, and with my family and friends. What I failed to recognize was the incredible battle that has been fought, and I can only liken it to Shell Shock or past-traumatic stress. A void was forming, and all my emotion was being sucked in to this hole in a last ditch attempt to rid me of my personality. This was the last sting in the tail of this monstrous foe. I couldnt fight this alone as there are some deep seated, subconscious forces at work. So I have enlisted the help of a neuro-psychologist. I have my first appointment this afternoon, so hopefully she doesnt open Pandoras box.
The biggest question I have for this psychologist is whether I am the same person, am I the Brad that left for the UK and America, or am I different? I think in a way I have changed, I have seen and feared some very real situations. I was the one who endured the surgery, but other than that the whole waiting game was endured by my family and friends, every second ticked a little bit slower, and I dont know if I was happy or sad about that, I say that because I urgently wanted to know the results but at the same time I wanted to save every second of life. Am I the same Brad, I will never know.
I have picked up some sentimental things along the road, a Stanford tracksuit and Snoopy from my mom, a new head from my dad as well as the device that I write to you on now, but you learn that the most important gift you can get is the support you receive, and the best gift you can give to them, under circumstances like this, is to come home.
lastly, I just want to say “Thank you”, its an honour, to know or have received forms of support from all of you. I have encountered people from all walks of life who have read this blog and drawn some inspiration from it. I am no different to any other person, perhaps I have an extraordinary drive to live, and my key was never to think like a sick person, I got in those wheelchairs out of necessity, but throughout my portage I was fighting to get out, and that mentality stayed with me throughout and will continue to be with me every step of the way, as i know my family, girlfriend and friends will be.
